Leveling Up Your Boundaries: How to Master Boundary Setting and Assertiveness

Boundary Setting and Assertiveness Training - Part 3

This article by Taylor Jackson, Registered Psychotherapist, is her third in her specialty series on Assertiveness and Boundaries.

First things first—if you haven’t already checked out my previous posts on boundary setting, hit pause and go read those before diving into this one (here, and here). Seriously. You can’t jump to Level 3 without starting at Level 1. Those posts cover the core foundations of boundary setting and the different types of boundaries. After reading them, you’re ready to take those skills to the next level.

Like any skill in life—cooking, crocheting, painting (all of which I am definitely not skilled at)—communication is a skill. And how do we improve at skills? Practice. Rehearsal. Messing up and adjusting. Because, let’s be real, practice doesn’t make perfect (is there even such a thing as perfection in human skills?). Instead, practice makes us better. So, consider this approach one of “progress, not perfection.”

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The Practice Problem: Why We Struggle with Boundaries and Assertiveness

Most people have their learning process all wrong. They think, “I’ll do that when I feel confident,” or “I need to be better at communicating before I can say that to them.” But that’s like saying you’ll cook a five-course meal once you’ve already mastered cooking. How are you supposed to get better without actually doing the thing?

We are habit-based creatures. To change a habit or develop a new skill (like setting boundaries), we need to practice. The “messing up” part? That’s crucial. It’s how we learn, improve, and eventually build the confidence we’re after.

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The Three Steps to Boundary Setting

To master the skill of boundary setting, I break it down into three essential steps:

1. Feeling It

Before you can communicate a boundary, you need to feel it in your gut. This means tuning into your body and noticing when something feels off. If you’ve spent your life people-pleasing or ignoring your own needs, this step can be tricky. It’s easy to discount your own feelings with thoughts like, “It wasn’t that big of a deal,” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it, so I’ll just let it go.”

But your gut? It’s a powerful communicator. The key is listening to it so you can actually do something about it.

Learning to trust your gut is the first step in setting healthy boundaries.

2. Communicating It

This part is covered more extensively in my previous blogs (Part 1: Introduction to Boundaries and Part 2: Types of Boundaries). But to sum it up, effective communication means:

• Staying in control of your emotions.

• Being clear and direct.

• Using observable, identifiable language to make your message clear.

No vague hints. No passive-aggressive comments. Just direct, compassionate communication.

Communicating boundaries effectively means being clear, direct, and compassionate.

3. Following Through With It

Ah, the hardest step. It’s one thing to say it, but another to actually mean it. When you communicate a boundary without follow-through, the message you’re really sending is: “You don’t have to take me seriously.”

Following through means:

• Holding others accountable for what you’ve communicated.

• Sticking to your own commitments to protect your well-being.

Whether it’s walking away from a toxic conversation or reinforcing your “no” when someone tries to push your limits, following through is what gives boundaries their power.

Boundaries only work if you follow through with them.

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Why Practice Matters (And Why It’s Totally Okay to Mess Up)

Think of learning to set boundaries like learning to kick a soccer ball. You don’t nail the perfect kick on your first try. You adjust, try again, and get better each time. The same applies to boundaries. The more you practice, the more skilled you become. And the more skilled you become, the more confident you feel.

Remember: Progress, not perfection.

Need More Help Leveling Up Your Boundaries?

If you’re struggling to set boundaries or want to refine your skills with the help of a professional, let’s chat! Reach out to me at 613-877-4148 or email me at hello@limestone.clinic. And be sure to check out my previous blog posts (Part 1: Introduction to Boundaries and Part 2: Types of Boundaries) to help you build a solid foundation.

You’ve got this. And if you need a little help along the way? I’m here for it.